revisionist appleseed.

i'm feeling overwhelmed by your reaction to me telling your mother about everything going on with you. i can't see it your way, i'm sure that it's just as overwhelming however, especially with detoxing right now. i imagine it being something like pulling a rug out from underneath your feet only to find there's nothing under that rug and you're falling. i want to make it clear that it was never my intention to harm you or alex or make you feel less than a human being by not disclosing this information sooner. i wanted to talk to you in person and had every intention to discuss it all with you and alex. my life is more difficult than i can handle sometimes and there's never really any time for our friendship anymore. i have a child now and between him and work and the holidays, i let our friendship slide more than i've wanted. i take the blame for this especially because of what you're going through in your life right now. it doesn't seem fair i'm treating you secondhand during this because when i found myself knocked up and confused, you came to help me through it. i know everything got all mixed up in the end, but your friendship means a great deal to me. i can act like i don't care and i can trade insults and words just as good as the next girl, but i don't want to do this. i want to act like women about it and not rage filled little girls. i understand if it's going to take time for you to forgive my mistake of not talking to you sooner, but i want to work it out with you. i never ever meant to hurt you guys, honest to everything.




for everyone else, i have moved to boylion
add me if you want to, i won't be adding anyone automatically.

why is it whenever i see my doctor, i forget all the questions i want to ask her and let her just bombard me with information on one single thing and then leave? i waited for twenty minutes for her to come in and see me for my 2week check up, she spent perhaps seven minutes telling me my incision looked fine and then was out the door onto the next woman. :/ there are things i like and dislike about my OB. and i definitely miss my primary care doctor, even if she called me cathy from time to time.

i need to get back on birthcontrol. *remember remember remember* no more babies for me atleast for two or three years. if ever.

okay, now that's out of the way. i feel i'm on an upswing. i don't want to come out and say "hey! i've passed the dark period!" because who knows, it could grab my ass the moment i consider myself out of the postpardumdepressionwoods. but i feel so much better these past couple of days. and very underwhelmed by silas. and in love with him. i spend so much time with this tiny little male, it's kind of unusual when you think about it. this morning we sat in dazbog's, reading the newspaper and letting strangers come and peek at us. he's lovely company on my outtings, even if his carseat is heavier then hell. i'm trying not to feel like james has pawned him off on me, but when he comes home in the evenings, he doesn't pay nearly enough attention to him, in my opinion. and i know he's tired from work, etc, but come on now... i do 97% of all the feedings/diaper changes/eskimo kisses/nuzzles it feels. i watch james with sy and even when he's in his arms, he's not looking at him, just blindly holding him, or rather providing a surface for sy to lay on all gangly and unsupported. eghhhh it bothers me. this isn't all the time and maybe i shouldn't expect so much. afterall he is supporting us.
???

whatever. i have too much time on my hands to write in here and speculate about this crap. i should just trust in us and let it be.

as i child i knew
that the stars could only get brighter
that we could get closer
leaving this darkness behind